Bri

'Ello.  My names Bri and I'm 15 almost 16.  I'm currently in 10th grade, but I've known I like girls since 8th grade when I met this lesbian, Sammy, who was really out and public about what she liked.  I mean, I probably did know that I liked girls when I was little, but I thought it was wrong. So I kept it to myself since 8th grade when I dated my first girlfriend.  Sammy still doesn't know that I had the hugest crush on her, but she is the one that made me feel that it was okay.

Only about my best friends, some of my family (not my parents.  I live in a cathloic family), and the whole school knows I'm...Well..That I like girls.  I know that it must be hard, because even right know I'm dealing with likeing girls.  I have this wonderful girlfriend, who has made me feel great about being who I am and helps out a lot. 

Me and my girlfriend met in theater in 9th grade.  Which is funny, because we both randomly took that class.  She and I are horrible actors.  But...Things soon feel into place and I told her I was a bisexual..And she told me the same.  Since then we've been really close.  We've been off and on dating for about a year now.  At this moment we are on, and I hope we stay together for a long time.  It's so weird.  I understand that.  I just want others to be okay with being whatever they are.  I hope you all are.  Because I know that my life has been a adventure so far, finding out who I am. 

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Ashley

I'm Ashley. I'm 16 and I discovered I was attracted to girls about 2 and a half years ago. I'm currently trying to figure out if I'm lesbian or bi but I know I'm not straight. I've dated guys but I'm not attracted to them in the way I am when I'm with a girl.

I haven't come out to my mom yet she left us a couple of days ago and she has her suspensions, but I'm afraid of what she will say and how she will react.she's already told me if I am pack my bags and get out.but you know what I've told many of my friends and they have accepted it like nothings happened.  they don't act funny we crack jokes but not mean ones. There's this girl I met and she's actually the first person I came out to. I Have the strongest feelings for her, and one day I'm going to tell her. She gave me hope that I'm not alone.

The point of the story is your not alone, and if your parents are like mine and they wont accept that and they'll punish you wait to come out. The best thing will be wait until your in college and supporting yourself and then come out. That way they cant say its a stage your going through and they cant take anything away. Stay strong you shouldn't be ashamed you should be proud of who you are.

For information, advice and help go to AVERT's Resources for those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or unsure.

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Tiffany

Hi, my name is Tiffany I am 13 years old. I am bi. I have been for a long time. I have an old friend, me and her don’t really talk anymore, but when we first stared hanging out everything was cool. But then I started to wanna to be with her as in her girlfriend. 2 years later I asked her to be my "girlfriend" and she said yes. Every girl in my school did it as a joke but with my friend and I it wasn’t a joke as everyone thought it was. As time went by she told me that the whole time I thought we were dating she thought it was just a joke, so I told her how I really felt and she told me she felt the same way!

A few days after we were really dating I found that I didn’t like her any more. I have met a new friend now called Kendall. We have kissed and had sex before but we were never dating each other. I really like her but.... I have a boyfriend and I love him sooo much and I'm starting to lose touch with this girl so was I just going through a phase with liking girls?

AVERT has more information on teens and sexuality and age of consent.

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Vanessa

Hi, my name is Vanessa. I am 18 years old, and just accepting that I am a lesbian. I have always known in the back of my mind that i find girls attractive, and find myself wanting to be with one more and more. The really hard part to all of this though is that i have a boyfriend. I've been dating him for a year and a half and we are both in love with eachother.

I dont want to lose him, but at the same time i want to be with girls. Everything is differnt now. I still think about him all the time, but when I'm with him intamitly, it dosnt feel like it used to. I feel horrible for continuing to date him even though I know that other then him, i am only attracted to girls. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I have never been homophobic and have had many gay friends growing up. But now that I know and have admitted it to myself, i can't block it from my head.

I want to be with girls, but i love my boyfriend. Its a really cruel choice to have to make, and one that i know i really dont want to make. I'm so lost and I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

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Clare

Hi. I'm 13 years old. I don't know if I'm bisexual or a lesbian. But I've been attracted to girls since I was 8. I know that as a fact. But I haven't told anyone yet. Well I have only one person though. My friend I've known since I was in private school a long while ago. But my parents hate bisexuals/lesbians. And I'm afraid that they won't accept me if I come out. I'm just really scared.

Well when I told my best friend since I've known since we were in private school she had already moved out of the state. I confessed to her that I liked girls. And I was in love with her. Because she just meant so much to me and I could tell her anything and everything. I've never been able to tell anyone that. She moved my first year of middle school. I was heart broken. But we dated a month after she left. We dated for the whole 6th grade and half of 7th grade. We decided that a long distance relationship couldn't work. But we are still best friends. So I was really depressed. I didn't have my friend, or anyone I could trust. And I just didn't know what to do. My grades started dropping. I was in algebra in the 7th grade. I switched out to regular math. That's when I met my now best friend in the whole entire world. And its like the moment I saw her I loved her.

So the teacher had sat me right by her. And I didn't have a pencil so I asked her for a pencil and she gave it to me. Our hands touched and my cheeks flushed red. I looked away and hid my face. And then after class we had lunch. We talked a while. I told her about me and a 'friend' breaking up. I never told her that it was a girl. I told her that I've known my friend for 8 years. And we started dating in 6th grade. I told her about what happened and she was there for me. She's seen me in my lows and in my highs. Whenever I talked to her I'd get happy. But then the end of 7th grade came. I never told her about how I felt about her. And we weren't THAT close. She wrote her number on my pants (that everyone was signing) and told me to give her a call whenever in the summer.

The first time I called her I couldn't help but smile. From that call on we've been so close. Its like were inseparable. She means the most to me. More than my best friend in private school. And now that school has started again, even though we don't have any classes together, its like were closer than ever. Whenever I don't see her I get sad. And its just amazing how much of an affect she has on my life. We joke around. We joke around ALOT and all the time. I send her signals that I like her. And did I mention that she is bisexual? Well she's bisexual. Anyways whenever I'm around her my heart flutters and I get butterflies. I just recently opened up to her. And she was totally ok with it. (remember she IS bisexual) she was a bit surprised but OK with it. She said that she would always be there for me. And I believe it. But I haven't told her that I'm in love with her. And yeah. I don't know how I'm going to say it.

What I'm trying to say is that, having a friend you can always look up to is a good choice to come out to. I'm pretty sure if they're your true friend they'll always be there for you and won't loose you. And if you have a friend that you thought was one and they were, then they weren't a true friend. A friend should accept you for who you are, not who you like or how you choose your lifestyle to be.

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Alteysha

My name is Alteysha and I turned 17 on September 9th. As I've grown older I've gone from being bisexual to Trans-gender to lesbian. I've always had extremely supportive parents but I've had a hard childhood that they don't know about. When I enter 7th year of school I met a girl called Sara, a classmate, I had always been a shy, quiet but very wired girl. Anyways I ending up talking to Sara over the phone for a few days and then we decided to meet downtown at the boardwalk. Came to find out that we had met when were in preschool. She was a loud, outgoing, normal happy and hyper type girl. We became fast friends once again and started hanging out every weekend that we could. I was bisexual by this time but I wasn't getting that ‘I like her’ feeling.

I followed her everywhere and took her whereever she wanted me too. I had a lot of fun hanging out, then she moved to Idaho just as I enter High school which for me was 9th. She was my best friend by this point and I was going to really miss her, but I would get to see her still as she had family up here still. She stayed the night just before she left for Idaho and I saw her off by waving goodbye. This was just before school started and I didn't get to see her until that next X-mas which she stayed the night for. Um not X-mas day but that night.

Over the time she was gone I had felt very lonely and I struggled through school. I only pasted 9th with a C average but I was depressed since I was 7 years old which only a few people knew the real reason why. I had always disliked boy/young men/ and men because of it. I've always hate it when they hug me, even if it just a hug from really is my cousin but I call him my little brother who's now 16, I know it kinda sad but this is how I feel. Anyways back to the story. I knew I had really liked Sara when she started seeing my Ex behind my back and didn't tell me for about a week. When she told me I felt upset, betray and hurt, so much in fact I left her at the bus station and walked home. She followed me, which ended in a huge fight between us, she went home and I locked myself in the bathroom. It was later I realized it wasn't because she was dating my Ex that had hurt me so its was because I loved her and it hurt like hell. I spent a few weeks depressed almost to the point I wanted to die but I had always liked reading at the local library and I came across a book called The Little black book for girlz by St.Stephen's Community House. You can find more Information about it here, http://209.222.52.165/catalog/catalog.aspx?Title=Little+Black+Book+for+Girlz%2C+The

I called her a few days later and was going to tell her how I feel but before I could she told me she really liked my brother. I helped her get with him the next day at her birthday party. Him and I were siting on the side of a cliff just talking and watching the waves crash against the rocks when I told him how she felt about him, he was really happy as his liked her too. I told him I was happy for him and gave him a fake smile just before the group we were with come back from the bathroom, I took every one except him and Sara back to the benches so they could talk..

We were all going to movie later that nigh but I ended up going home instead, they got together later that night at the movies. She left the next day and they broke up a few months later. I ended up mad at her for making him cry but as I was saying I found the book while at my local library and checked it out. I began reading it just before I went sleep that night, while reading I came across a small chapter that center around Trans-genders. As I read I felt as I had just uncovered part of myself that had long been locked away and I deiced to do some look it up in the morning. I finished the book and went to bed for the night. I did look it just not the next day, a few days latter I did. I realized that when I was small I used to dress in boy cloths and as I got older that really didn't change just I got (I not kidding either) huge breast and it became harder for me to hide the fact that I'm a girl. I started seeing a therapist around this time and I decided to bring up my new found feelings as she already knew I loved Sara. We talked about it and I learn more about. She quit soon after and I was left with no therapist for three months, but I still worked on finding out more information on Trans-genders. Sara and I still talked at this point, I struggled for the first week of school, as I was looking for a job, my father might be losing his job and I had homework to deal along with everything I was doing, which in the end just piled up and I dropped out of High School. Just before school left out for the year I told my parents, and Sara Message me telling me she really liked me more then a friend, This was after I told her I was a trans-gender of course *roles eyes*. I was really happy about that but I was disappointed in my self for dropping out.

My parents knew about Sara and I as we couldn't tell hers. They would have flip then called me the devils daughter, and all that kinds of "good stuff." We had been dating for about two week when she got back up her and once we were along I had my first kiss with a girl. For the next 3 weeks we had been dating that was until she met out friend Stevens Friend James. She dumped me later that night and not even three days later she started dating him. I got dumped for a guy who only treats her like crap. I'm sorry if I sound mad but that just hurts. I had loved her for over three years and she just tossed me out like it was nothing. Funny thing is, we stayed friends for a while then she just started shunning me, not answering when i would call or message her. That really bothers me, and it makes me wonder if she really meant we would be best friends for ever.

Theres really no moral to this story but I need someone to talk too, someone to listen to what I have to say. I'm always listening to what other have to say, for once in my life I want someone to do the same.

For sources of information, advice and help relevant to this story go to AVERTs Resources for those who are lesbian, gay, bi or unsure page.

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Soph

My name is Soph and I'm turning 17 next month.  I'm not sure whether I'm a lesbian or bisexual at the moment but I seem to be more attracted to girls.  So far, I only came out to one person who I'd consider my best friend.  Thank goodness she was okay with it and in a way she supports me.  She's still my friend and she tries to give me advice when I need them.  I've had crushes on girls since I was young but this time it feels like it's more than a crush and this is where I will begin my story.

When I met Liz in my sophomore year, she was a very quiet, shy, and not an open girl.  She is really cute and has that innocent look.  When I look at her, it seems like she's so vulnerable and it made me want to protect her.  I knew her through a few friends and we started hanging out.  We got closer and she was more open to me.  She's a very indecisive person and when a guy confessed his feelings to her, she didn't know what to say or do.  Liz realized that she did like the guy after her best friend, Ying 'stole' him away.  I was very p*ssed off.  How could her best friend do such a thing to her?  I wanted to do everything I could to protect her.  I made my friends ignore Ying so she'd feel the pain.  I really care about Liz and my friends see it too, but they don't know that I like her in that way.  They just think I'm over protected when it comes to her.

It's my senior year now, and the guy she liked broke up with Ying.  He still likes Liz and Liz likes him back.  She's not the shy and quiet girl I once knew anymore.  They're going to go out any time soon and I feel like cr*p right now.  No matter what I do, she won't love me back.  I'm so jealous of him.  He can have her and I can't but it can't be helped.  Love is love.  You can't force someone to love you back.  If you can't have her, the only thing left to do is to move on.  Sure it's going to hurt when you see the girl you love with another guy but that's life.

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Anon, 15

My emotional and physical journey of exploring my sexually started during puberty. School programs teach the basics about sexual orientation but they never explain how to handle things when your not completely heterosexual. This is what I'm experiencing.

Guys rarely interest me in a sexual manner. When I'm around a girl I automatically feel that sexual energy flow through me. The feeling of your heart beating, nervousness, the tingling feeling you get down there, etc. These feelings thrill me and just the thought of doing something with a girl excites me. All these emotions mixed together give off a wonderful vibe. It feels like your on a cloud, so amazing and wonderful when felt but to actually explain your orientation to someone else is terrifying.

Overall, my feelings towards girls have intensified 10X in the last year and guys are in all truthfulness out of the picture. I'm just afraid to label myself. When I come out to people I don't like to brand myself a certain orientation. I want my freedom to learn, to grow, and to experiment.

I find that coming out to someone that I truly care about and love is the hardest. The first family member I have come out to is my cousin. I wrote an email to her one day ago explaining my feelings. I hope to god she loves me for being myself.

My advice to anyone else. Discovering your true orientation is not easy but having the freedom to experiment is a gift. Being 15 this is the age where I slowly want to try new things and to find out who I want and what I want. To anyone I come out to I'm willing to give them the time to adjust. Give them the same freedom. I wouldn't trade these feelings for anything else in the world. The excitement is actually not knowing and just learning is a big thrill and through experimentation you can learn alot about yourself.

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Dani

Hi, my name is Dani. I am 16 years old and still wondering if I’m either bisexual or a lesbian. To tell the truth, I think I actually started thinking I was interested in girls when I was really little. She isn’t any bit of being into girls. I grew up with her because her mother grew up with my mom. Anyways, I started looking at girls differently when I was young. I never really noticed it until I was in the seventh grade. I can remember the night I finally accepted the feelings like it was yesterday.

Kailee came over after school because we were going to the Valentine’s Day dance at our school. We were just going as friends. About a month before this night, she actually came out to during our Mathematics class. She told me she was bisexual. At first I started freaking out; I didn’t tell her that I was actually only surprised because I wasn’t alone. So that night before we left I told her I had to use the bathroom. I didn’t really; my thoughts were just swarming in my head. I literally shut the door and locked it, stood in the mirror, and took a deep breath. I told myself these exact words “I’m not into her. I cannot like her, she’s like my sister. She’s bisexual not me.” After I told myself that, I took another deep breath and walked out the bathroom to find her smiling and waiting for me.

That whole night I was so jealous because she kept following around this girl Emily. I was irritated that she had feelings for her but I couldn’t tell her about it. So when I took her home that night, my mom suggested I walk her up to my door. At that point my mom still didn’t know I was bisexual. When I walked her to her door, she smiled and told me she’d see me during school. I hugged her tight. The only thing that I wanted to do was hold her in my arms the rest of the night. When I got back into the car, my mother asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t believe I lied to her telling her nothing was wrong.

Now it’s the part where I say how I came out to my mother. Surprisingly the next weekend I called my friend, Sam. I told her I was bi and she didn’t freak. The next day I had a fight with my mom so I told Sam, “If you tell anyone I’ll slit your throat.” So the next couple of weeks I find out that her friend Kayla decided to turn me in. I got put in In School Suspension all day. That day when I got home, my mom asked me, “Why in the hell did you in trouble? And almost expelled?!” She was furious, but I knew I couldn’t say anything when my homophobic grandmother was there. Before my parents came home, I was crying and my sister came home wondering what was wrong. I told her I was bi, she told me she’d still love me. I was afraid my mom would be different. When I told her I was bi, we were alone driving to the store. She said that she loves me, but to this day I worry that she doesn’t really accept it.

Not that long after the school dance, Kailee and I were in class and I wrote her a note. “Hey, I wanted to tell you something. Promise not to tell anyone?” “I promise, now tell me J” “You’re not alone.” Out of nowhere, during the silent portion of the class, she screams “Woohoo!” After class we talked about it, and she was really happy. The next couple of months while school was in session we flirted back and forth, talked about dating, but sometimes only dated for a couple of days or a week. When she went to Ohio for the family trip with her Dad, our lives changed. I thought I would die without her there during the summer. July 11, 2005, I asked her out. I told her I was sick of waiting for her, it wouldn’t ruin our friendship, and if it did we weren’t meant to be together. She finally told me yes. I was really happy.

Kailee and I lasted five and a half months together. We once did not do anything. In those five months, we actually only hugged twice. We both realized that our relationship was an emotional connection more than physical. I loved being with her. We did talk about “being together” for the first time, but we never actually did. Things got in the way, meaning her mother found out we were together. We had to end up breaking up but she promised we’d be together in the end. We only dated one more time after that. It only lasted for two weeks. She told me one night at a church meeting, she needed to be what her mom wanted. She was turning straight.

My point with telling my story is that I want people to know that no matter who or what you are, you don’t need to hide it. Kailee and I didn’t speak to one another for almost three years because of her family. Just recently we have been getting back on good terms. The way we left things, we can’t bring up our past or I will lose her again. If anyone has ever loved someone they’re not supposed to, don’t ever give up. Your parents will try and keep you away, but soon you will be old enough to make your own decisions. Love is love, and no one can stop it. I never once gave up trying to get Kailee back in my life. So everyone who reads this, my message out there, never give up on love.

Yours truly,

Dani

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Penny

Hi, my name is Penny. Less than 6 months from my 17th birthday, I'm going to be a junior in high school this coming year. I determined a little over two years ago that I am bisexual. It happened when I met a girl named Krista.

Krista and I met at a park at about midnight. At the time, both of us were quiet, shy, and out without permission. I remember we sat and talked until just before sunrise, when we both made the mad dash for home. By "chance" we were both at that park the next night. And the next. This was the summer before I started high school.

I couldn't tell you Krista's last name - I don't know it. I never met her family, friends, even her dog. But I loved her. At first, I didn't quite know what to do with myself. I'd only dated one person, a guy I'd been friends with since I was 9, so suddenly being around this girl, holding her hand without thinking about it, cuddling with her on the playground... I craved her touch and didn't know why. We did -everything- together. The thought that it may not be "normal" had never occurred to me. Krista loved me, and I her - what was so weird about it? It took about a month of high school for me to realise just what I had had over the summer.

Krista ended 3 weeks before school. She moved out of the state. She waited to tell me she was leaving until two days before. I don't know where she went, and haven't heard from her since. She thought it would be easier this way. It wasn't. She has always been my best kept secret, up until a few months ago when I finally told a few of my more trusted friends about her, and my sister. Nobody had a problem with it, and it's made me much more confident. I'm not scared to let people know that yes, I am just as interested in girls as guys.

Right now, I have a boyfriend (bi, remember? not lesbian), and he is amazing. He's 21 years old and tolerates me very well, especially in regards to my best friend. One example:

Me and my friend Jess snuck out of her house one night, and my boyfriend, Cliff, came to pick us up. We went back to another friends apartment and enjoyed our slightly alcohol-enhanced night. Jess and I were practically inseperable that night. We actually got asked if we were a couple, to give you an idea of our behavior. I remember at one point, Jess laid back on the futon couch, and I laid next to her, easily cuddling into her side. Her chest was my pillow, the top of my head hers. We laid there, chatting, half asleep, and Cliff, who has told me he's paranoid about me cheating, actually came and joined us. He laid on my other side, putting one arm over my waist and resting his head on the back of my shoulder. I couldn't have been happier in that moment. The two people I love most, right there with me, accepting me exactly as I am.

Yes, I said the TWO people I love most. Indeed, I love Jessica very much. We're both bisexual, both have boyfriends, both have been interested in the other. We've talked about dating, and deemed it a bad idea. We're too close, there's too much risk. And now we both have boyfriends. She doesn't know that I love her, nobody does, but it's there. I've never known what to do about it, and she's never actually been with a girl. I can't bring myself to be the one to officially "bring her to the other side", as I've heard it put. I don't try to hide how I feel about her, but I don't advertise it.

That, exactly, is my advice to anyone in such a situation. Don't hide who you are - you're too precious. But honestly, advertising isn't the way to go. Let people notice, tell people you trust, eventually, nobody cares. The first time you say it out loud is always the hardest, I promise. Telling my sister was the scariest thing I've ever done, but she took it so easily (helpful that she's just like me). I've only had one person take it badly, and it really upset me. But I learned to think of it this way: anyone worth your tears won't make you cry.

Good luck.

~Penny

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JBM

Hi, my name's JBM. I'm 13 years old and I think I first developed feeling for a girl was when I was 6. My mom was friends with a lady who had twins, Jake and Genny, and since we were the same age we would spend a lot of time together. I never really had much interest for Jake other than normal little kid stuff, but I still have my childhood diary where I'd write literally page after page about her. Then one day I remember wondering why a girl can't like another girl and so I just told Genny I liked her. Few days later Genny's mom told my mom and my mom sat me down and told me girls like boys.

And that was it. I still liked girls, but didn't think about it. Later I found out what being gay meant and, honestly, I was scared to death. I thought something was wrong with me. I went out with three guys before I finally decided I had no feelings for them or any guy. That's when I met YG. She was openly gay. She didn't need to say anything because she was so boyish. I actually thought she was a guy for about two months because I had never talked to her.

Long story short, we've been together for about three months now. It's a little more complicated than it already would be since he's trans gendered, but I still love her. Sometimes it's hard like, does his mean I like guys? Am I bi? But really, I just love her. Boy, girl, whatever. I don't think we need to put a label on who we are or what we like. It's just love, you know? Be happy. Don't make it complicated.

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Lauren

Hi my name is Lauren, and I am 21 years old. Growing up, I had a wonderful childhood life. Having two older brothers that always " protected me " , and very open minded parents has been amazing. My parents always went out of their way to do things for me, with school, friends, and always told me I can tell them anything. We have always had a great relationship, which I am grateful for.

When I was 13,14, and 15.. I dated boys, and totally crushed on them. I was BOY crazy. I danced / gymnastics for 10 years, dressed girly, was very femme. I had a boyfriend who I thought I loved, never had --- with him... because  A. I was young   B. Something wasn't right.

I first knew I was gay when a guy friend Anthony was crushing on this girl and i had some weird attraction towards her as well. ( this was back in high school, and i was about 15 or 16.. ) I literally switched an elective class to be in hers!!   As crazy as that sounds,... First day in class we sat next to each other, and she liked me, yet I didn't officially know. She asked me for my number and wanted to hang out, THAT night.  My parents went out , on a typical Friday night, and this girl, came over. I was SO excited, and I dressed cute, did my hair because I really wanted to impress her.

We sat and talked all night, and she asked me openly if I have ever kissed a girl. I replied " No, But have had fantasies about it   " As we built our friendship, we began to like each other more and more. We kissed for the first time, and that was the only confirmation I needed that I was a lesbian. We watched movies together and we held hands, and I was so scared I'd get caught.

Everyone in my high school knew about us, and it was the " talk " for awhile but it wasn't hard on me. Things couldn't work out with us because she was leaving for college... which I was so bummed about.

When I initially told my parents I was " Bisexual " .. They responded very cool about it. They were assuming it was a phase.. but after having a few girlfriends, and a few more years of growing up to do, they finally realized " We have a gay daughter " . They have been with me to Gay meetings, Bars, Restaurants, and anything that interests me. They are extremely supportive with anything in life I do.

Today I am 21, my girlfriend is 26 and we have been together two years. I couldn't ask for anything more than what Renee gives me. She is the most unbelievable person I have ever met. The way she makes me feel, the way she treats me, and our plans for the future are so in depth. We have the relationship I always saw in movies growing up, and I always dreamed of having.

My parents have accepted me since day 1 ... and continue to accept my lifestyle. They all get along really well, which makes me feel really warm inside. I come from a very close family, so if my parents didn't like her,.... eventually, IT WOULDNT WORK!!!

My advice to you, that are having problems coming out.. BE WHO YOU ARE, and the friends who accept you, will stick around, the ones who don't will leave. YOU can't change who you are, and can't help who you love. If your family doesn't accept it now, let's hope someday they will come around, and love you for you. Thankfully being gay in 2008, is much easier from what I hear back in the 50's++

Good Luck to you all, and stay true to yourself.

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YLT

Hey. I'm 15, and I don't know what the heck I am.

Ever since I was young, I've always seemed to "go through" guys kinda quickly. Like, nothing would happen with them, I just would like one, and pretty soon after I would like another. As I got older, this seemed to happen more frequently. More recently, I have begun thinking that this might be because I am actually not attracted to them; I am actually saying that because of the environment that I grew up in. I have since told my friends that I think I have more feelings for girls than I do for guys, and they were all cool with it.

I haven't told my family because they are not really open for me to talk to them, but I will eventually. I talked to two people about it who helped me realize what I'm feeling. The biggest thing is you have to be comfortable with who you are. If you don't feel right, you're not going to be happy. You just have to give yourself time. Time to accept it, time to find someone, time to fulfill your biggest potential.

Every person was put on this earth to accomplish something in their own way and being happy about living. It certainly has made me a lot happier since I realized that I have these feelings. You can't be afraid of yourself, and you can't be afraid to talk to your friends. If they don't want to hear stuff like that, then do they really matter?

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Marnz

Heeeeeeey I'm Marnz, I'm 17. I have been Gay ever since i remember!!! Never can i rememeber i have never actually "loved" someone untill i was 16, oct 14th 07 i met the most beautiful girl.. the girl of my dreams that girl i have always dreamt of.. the girl that has all the dreams i share. From the very first moment Ainsley an I met. I knew she was the one, as we talked for hours at a time i soon learnt i loved her with everything i have with all my heart, she IS my soulmate for her i would do anything give my girl anything she ever wanted. My hopes and dreams came true when i met her my life i would give with a flash she owns my heart an soon she will be wearing a beautiful wedding ring, i know Ainsley is my all my everything.

I thank Ainsley so much for walking into my life when she did as i suffered from depression and was on a load of anti depressants, she made a huge change to my life for the better, each day has been worth staying around for when i thought things could never get better, Ainsley is my hero! she brightns the dark for me picks me up when i fall gives me the love an affection i will ever need.
The past 8 nearly 9 months we have spent together have been the best few months of my life! Yet my love is still growing strongly for her each day.

I feel so lucky, Ainsley an I have such a special love. A perfect relationship, One that most would kill for were so so lucky, We spend each day telling each other how much our love grows a little bit more every day, it honestly couldnt get better were so inlove an happy! its unbelieveable! You have No idea! i cant even explain.

Ainsley told her parents 2 months after we started dating that she was Gay, As her mum didnt take it to well.. there was alot of hurt. But i know that althought it hurt her like hell it was for the best because i will prove to her mum i will treat her right an make her proud!

Each moment spent with Ainsley feels so amazing. She makes me feel like im walking on air with each kiss or each time she tells me she loves me, she makes me feel beautiful.Were now engaged an have our whole lifes ahead of us and we have proved everyone wrong that have ever doubted us so far!
An i hope for everyone that they find this kind of love, we talk about having kids in a few years time, its something were really looking forward to! after were married as we have a beautiful beach wedding planned! I'll write a beautiful song for my baby an sing it to her playing my guitar staring right into her beautiful blue eyes, that song could never be as beautiful as her but there is no words out there to describe her...

Best of luck to you guys out there who are unfortuantly struggling!

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Lizzy

I am Lizzy and I'm twenty. For as long as I can remember I have never had feelings for men. Dad always knew I was not interested in boyfriends too. When I was nine I fell head over heels in love with a girl in primary school. We were close friends before that. I told many of my friends who were very understading though we were so young. At ten I told her too but at the time she totally freaked out. I denied sexual feelings for her but admitted to romantic feelings towards her. We went to different schools and I still loved her. I pledged to her my undying love and vowed to always love her unless I met another female to whom this love could switch if I felt strongly enough. When some boys bullied me at twelve over my lesbianism I admitted to my mum and dad who were all right about it. I was irritated when at first mum treated it as a crush or "young love" but when it became clear that I was not growing out of it she retermed it an attachment to my relief. 

I met my soulmate again at twelve and was relieved she had forgotten so I pretended she was just a best friend. My mum and dad seperated and my dad married again. The circumstances were exceptional and my stepsister and myself accepted straight away. I  connected with my stepmother and stepsister straight  away. She had lost her dad in tragic circumstances when she was young so i was glad my own dad could give her fatherly love. Everything was normal until I decided at thirteen to tell my stepsister my feelings for my best friend. It never occured to me that her society was homophobic. My dad had told my stepmother who wrote to me. Though I agreed to accept friendship if my best frend could not reciprocate I could not agree that same sex love was "unatural" despite generally having deference for most of my stepmother's views. It was a very kind letter though. My stepsister asked if I were jioking or serious. Dad advised me to say I was joking. I did but despite dad telling me not to worry i did not like lying to my stepsister and dwelled on this. 

The guilt sent me into depression. I knew my stepmother and stepsister were not homophobic and it was not their fault their society would not allow them to accept it. I saw death as the only way out of the deadlock at the time. I safeguarded myself against suicide by making a vow that as long as my dad, stepmother, stepsister and soulmate were on this self same earth as me I would not kill myself. Yet uncertain of the strength of the vow I made the mistake of admitting twice. This caused panic and chaos. In vain I tried to convince them it was best if I took my own life and knowing dad believed in an afterlife like me I thought dad would be ok but apparently not. At last I told a white lie and pretended it  was all a mistake and a misunderstanding. I put on a hard act, pretending to be fully happy. I went through hypersomina which was misinterpreted as laziness, got an anger problem and had difficulties with studying. At sixteen dad went back to India permanantly as dad and I had agreed. I then went through insidious burning with the fan heater and became an intermittent cutter - not just because of having to lie to my stepfamily about my sexuality though it was mainly that but also because of family problems and things. The night before my eighteenth irthday, my stepsister found me crying because I felt so guilty at having to lie to her.

Remembering her previous reaction I told her of the depression and cutting but was vague as to the cause. I sort of agreed to try to stop cutting but said I couldn't guarentee anything. At home I read about asexuality in the newspaper and researched it, finally identifying myself as an asexual lesbian. Though the cutting lessened slightly it did not quite stop. I met up with mybest friend at eighteen. I was surprised to hear she had a boyfriend but not jealous, being asexual. I tentatively said as much as I could in "my best friend" framework but she eventually figured out the truth. After making sure her boyfriend wouldn't mind i told her though I initially backtracked to avoid being unfair to him. She said she was straight. I expected this but said I would always love her. I was quite similar to Sonya in War and Peace though in her case as her love was hetrosexual it was more easily undertsood and accepted. At twenty I told my stepsister that I would tell her all if it were not for her society. She said she had travelled much and seen many kinds of people. I tentatively said she, my dad and stepmother were what the western culture called straight but that it meant something other than being honest, that if I were to be in a relationship it wouldn't be with a man, that people in my situation would in her society remain single. 

She slowly understood and said she didn't mind, reminding me not to speak of it in her society. She said my stepmother would worry tremendously over my cutting and depression problems but that dad was stronger. I refused point blank to tell one without telling the other on principle. Once home I thanked God for allowing me to be honest with my stepsister and my best friend. I didn't rule out the possibility that my best friend might come to love me back or that I might start to love someone else but I knew that the only solution to my problem really was to  remain single. I liked being single and am content merely loving my best friend and do not ask her to return my affection. Unless I loved someone who could recirprocate as much as I did my best friend and the love switched and my feelings for my soulmate bcame friendship I would not give up being single. I also knew that though I trust my dad and stepfamily absolutely, it would not be fair to ask them to huish it up between the four of us if I got into a same sex romantic relationship even if it was completely sexless. I knew that in England I could be open about it but in India I couldn't. I didn't want to get into a relationhip and lie as it would be unfair on my girlfriend and on my dad and stepfamily too. 

So, my solution to the problem has been to tell any gay single person I got to now my predicament and the solution I had found. As most of my friends were straight and the one gay friend i know has a girlfriend i did not need to worry that they would form an attachment and be hurt by my rejection. I have once or twice considered fleetingly the one gay girl I know and even my stepsister as there is no blood line between us but I then remember that my stepsister is straight and this girl has a girlfriend. In a way I am glad God worked it out this way because it saves me being in a relationship and having to lie or putting my dad and stepfamily and possibly a girlfriend in a difficult situation. I would not miss out on love because I would always love my best friend or if my love switched another girl. As for my romantic aspirations I could as usual be romantic with my soulmate's photograph as I can't be romantic with her and her boyfriend could do for her everything i wou;d've. I respect him and know he wil look after her. My dad can do for my stepmother everything I would have one for the woman I love. Though I am now in counselling at twenty to deal with the depression and cutting issues and things have become much better since I was honest with my stepsister and best friend my new wish is to one day tell my dad and stepmother the truth about the last six years. 

At the moment even if I found someone I cannot be in a relationship because it is too complicated. My girlfriend would never be able to go to India with me. I would have to lie. It would be unfair on everyone. Being sigle is something everuyone can understand. In India I need only say i am uninterested in men and wish to stay single. In England I'll explain my problem and how I'm dealing with it.   

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Jess

I'm Jess, Jessy, Little John, whichever you prefer. I am a couple months shy of 17. I am working on my fifth year of being out.

My mum didn't take too kindly to finding out, probably because it was my step- mother that told her, but evidently she didn't treat me very well. The only thing she had to say was "It is going to be really F****** hard to get used to having a gay daughter." She didn't really TALK to me for another 6 months after that. We only had short conversations about little things, as long as they weren't about me.  She finally started coming around, and was alright with it all. I told her about my first girlfriend, and she kind of ignored it, but accepted it all at once.

 The one girl that I have loved with my whole heart for the last five years finally decided to give me a shot last spring, we were together almost a year. Then she decided that things just werne't working anymore. Boy did that hurt me pretty bad. I'm still hurting pretty bad, on account of that was just shy of a month ago. I am trying my best to move on.

I am going to school at a new high school this year. The place I swear is like a young gay central. I get along well with pretty much everyone. There is a girl now that I have been interested in. I don't know where that will lead me.

Things being an out lesbian are pretty easy these days, but trust me things were not always this easy. Lets just say that I am at a new high school this year because I decided to run from my problems with people. Things started to get a little hostile between a couple people and myself. I decided to leave for the best of all of us.

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